How to Succeed in Evil – El Justiador Part II

 

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The inexplicable march of El Justiador marches on.

Episode Script
To suggest to you that Topper was a great respecter of traffic laws
— Yield, I’m not yielding to these assholes!
SFX: SCREECH, CAR HORN
well, yeah, there you go. With Topper, might made right of way. And the guy who swerved while playing chicken.
–Muchahhahahahah!
SCREECH, CRASH IN DITCH
He deserved to wind up in the ditch.
So it’s easy to see how, after a long day driving around in the hot sun in search of some idiot who dressed himself like a bullfighter, he’d have no problem, leaving his Leopard Print Lotus Elan with custom pedal extenders half on half off the sidewalk in front of his favorite bar.
CAR DOOR SLAM
–What? What are you looking at. I’m only gonna be a second. Don’t make me climb up you and kick your teeth in. No buddy, I was talking to your wife.
It had been a long day, and Topper was thirsty. And I won’t say that the bartender was happy to see Topper clamber up on one of his barstools, but he did take his money for a double Chivas rocks. But while Topper vented his spleen, tenderized his liver and did something unsavory with his colon, the unexplainable march of El Justiador marched on.
SFX: OLD SCHOOL V-8 ENGINE CREEPING ALONG
A black El Camino with a hand-painted flame job and a crudely airbrushed portrait of a blindfolded Lady Madonna Justice on the hood, rolled up beside the Lotus.
EL JUSTIADOR – “Double parqueado Senior, Double parqueado.”
Four men wearing work clothes, carrying crowbars and wearing Mexican wrestler masks jumped out of the back of the El Camino. Whether the exotic Italian sportscar meets the crowbar wielding itinerent worker, or the crowbar wielding itinerent worker meets the Sportscar, ah, you know….
SFX: SMASHING THE CAR
— Oh you wetback sonsofbitches
SFX: GUNSHOTS Bang, bang, bang.
But Toppers shots, from his rediculously oversized handgun, went high, went wide, went South, went through an innocent bystander’s leg across the street and then Topper was entangled in blur of ropes and weights.
–cursing
Topper might have recognized these ropes and weights to be a skillfully handled traditional Bola.
–Cursing
Topper might further have reflected upon the debt the American cowboy owed to the Mexican Vaquero who

came before him. Realizing that all the tools of the cowboy used were perfected by Cabelleros long before American spurs jingle jangled across the Texas Llano.
–Cursing
But he had other things on his mind. Extreme anger SFX:KLUD! followed by a concussion.
They threw Topper’s unconscious body in the back of the car. Truck, whatever an El Camino.
Vamandos Muchachos!
SFX: EL CAMINO PEELING AWAY.
He didn’t take up much room.
{Lorenzo di Medici promo}

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9 replies on “How to Succeed in Evil – El Justiador Part II”

  1. Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, write episode XIII. The suspence is killing me.

  2. Loved the new episode, have a small comment:

    If you’d like some help with proper spanish pronunciation, I’d gladly be of service

  3. Oh, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick… do some research! Lotus is British, not Italian! A petty point, I know, considering the overall story (great); but as a Brit abroad, I have to point some things out.

  4. Man, I’m just getting hammered. My pronunciation sucks. My knowledge of high-end sportscars is inadequate.

    But, you know, fair enough. I promise to fix everything on the 25th anniversary DVD 😉

  5. Mmmm… ‘hammered’ and ‘Guinness’ go extremely well together. Cheers. Or, rather – given the Irish bent of the whole operation – Slainte!

  6. I gave you my money, now I want my nickname. A better nickname, a more glorious, grandiouser if you will, name. A name in 1567.666667 meter tall letters, standing along the equator dividing the globe in to North Me and South Me. Where all shall have to pass through the gates of my new name to reunite the remanants of shattered lives, to bring together the tattered shreds of motley exitence that preceded the coming of My Name. Oh…I also enjoyed the episode.

    Regards and Good Luck,

    Aaron

  7. Ralf,

    Thank you for your kind donation. I hereby, forthwith (and with posthaste even) dub the KING OF MISSOURI!

    Long live Missouri!

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