Floor Piranha


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In which we learn of the elusive pilemongrulous chompficampherous.

Episode Script

PATRICK– Cryptozoologist. If you’re like me, that sounds like somebody who uses animals to transmit coded messages. The kind of a guy who hides the UPC code for the atomic bomb in a herd of zebra.

But as cool as that may be – it’s not actually what a cryptozooligst does. A cryptozoologist specializes in the study and discovery of hidden animals. This includes a lot of animals that probably don’t exist. Like Bigfoot and the Chupacabra.

But in spite of all those crappy Discovery Channel specials with cheesy recreations and blurry footage looped over and over again — there turns out to be a real field of study here. A number of animals thought to be extinct or mythical have been discovered. Like the Coelacanth (see – lo – can-th) the Hoan kiem turtle and the megamouth shark.

And I recently met a Cryptozoologist and he was such a wonderful and interesting character, I thought I would interview him for the show. Not only is Nigel highly qualified (I think even the dust on his elbow patches comes from the British Museum) but he is a lot of fun to talk to. So Nigel, would you care to introduce yourself to the listeners?”

NIGEL — I am Nigel Carruthers, PhD, adjuncunt curator of the British Musem of Natural History, temporarily seconded to the Colonial Museum of — that is to say, the American Museum of Natural History.

PATRICK — Okay, first off, do you teach Pileated woodpeckers to tap out messages in morse code.”

NIGEL — Oh Good Lord no.(laughter) Although one imagines that that would be quite a skill. No, I am a cryptozoologist. And I have come to these United States in search of the hitherto undocumented North American Floor Pirhana.”

PATRICK — “Floor pirhana?”

NIGEL — Oh yes, quite. Pilemongrulus Chompifcamprerius.”

P– Pile whosit?

N– Pilemongrulus Chompifcampferus — I named the phlyum myself.

P — So how come I’ve never heard of this animal?

N — Well it is well hidden and highly dangerous. In fact a small school of these creatures say no more than a score, can bring down a a full-flesh-ed American Female in under 10 seconds. And I am not talking about the rapidly vanishing, average weight American, oh no. I mean the big ones. Mallstropicus Americanus in all it’s glory

P — Mallstropicus?

N — For a long time the floor pirhana was thought to be only inhabit the realm of myth and nightmare. Something your nanny might scare you with. But recent developments have been quite exciting. We know now that the savage and dangerous floor piranha can indeed be found throughout the living rooms, the sitting rooms, even the bedrooms of North America.

P — so you’ve caught one.

N — well, not yet.

P — So you have pictures.

N — sadly, no.

P — then how do you know…

N — That they exist at all? I’m glad you asked my boy. Strikes right to the heart of the exciting field of Cryptozoology. You we have scads of ancedotal evidence of these creatures.

P — Stories, eyewitness reports?

N — Yes, exactly. You see these speedy, sharp toothed creatures have a long and storied history. The u-ma-pahai tribe of upstate Ohio worshiped them as Gods. While we have records of the British colonists using them to intimidate the French during the French and Indian war — and in one remarkable case, there is record of floor pirhanas being used to induce confession during your Salem Witch trials.

P — I’m not sure I remember that from my American history class.

N — Well, the church records are quite clear. They record that these beasts were loosed on a loosed on a Goody Smith who then confessed to meeting with a dark man of the wood and listening to scratchy Black Sabbath records with him.

P — Which Sabbath record?

N — Master of reality I think it was.

P — that was released in 1971?

N — Ah, a hah hah hah. YOu see my droll British wit has played merry hod with your interview.

P — Yeah, uh, obviously. So the “Floor Pirhana.”

N — Yes, quite. You have questions.

P — How goes the search?

N — Very well I think. Still plenty of grant money left.

P — Not quite what I meant.

N — Of course, well I thought I caught a glimpse of one last week. Terrifying experience.

P — but no evidence.

N — A bit of hair, some inconclusive bite castings, But I have gathered some wonderful ancedotal evidence. Would you like to hear a few of my interviews.

P — Sure, this should be good.

N — Here’s are a few of the juicier bits from a collection of interviews, in which I discussed folk remedies for floor pirhana attacks.

REDNECK — “Yeah” I seen one. Had one in my house. Thought to make it a pet — it were real cute like — then one day it turned on me, sank them little teeth right in my calf. YEEEEEowch.

Grandma told me the best way to get one of them little suckers to unlock is to beat at ’em with a deflated football that’s been soaked in garlic. It works good.

MIDWEST GUY — “well everybody knows you hide in bathtubs — they hate the water.”

NORTHEAST GUY — you know, ya just take one of them uh, them, them dem dere and a just shoot ’em. Shoot ’em right in the neck. O course the jaws stay clamped on after death. So’s you still got to deal with that. But at least they stop gnawing.

P — I’m not sure I know what to say to any of that.

N — Stupendous isn’t it.

P — Well, there certainly must be some kind of adjective to describe it lying around here somewhere.

N — Can I make an appeal to your listeners? To aid me in my search.

P — knock yourself out.

N — Good subjects – ahem, Citizens I implore you, if you have any knowlege of these furry and elusive creatures, if you or someone that you love has felt the prick of their tiny teeth upon your flesh, please, please contact us.

P — Yeah, if anybody has any idea at all, what this clown is talking about, throw up a comment or send an email, please.

N — Clown, I say, did you call me a clown. I will have you know that I  am a charter member of the royal society for the advancement of scientific largess, and further more, sargent at arms of my local…..

5 replies on “Floor Piranha”

  1. I really, really like your work.
    I’ve even come to like what I think I know of you through the medium of your work.

    But moocher that I am I can’t help but feel in this case almost a public responsibility to implore you on something I myself am probably incapable:

    Please Stop doing British Accents!

    Oh I think its very technically clever how you augmented it this time, but please, just stop!
    Nobody sounds good as a private school toff, least of all the toff’s.

  2. I’m not entirely sure where you find these louts to interview, but I’d like to make the token skeptical comment: Doctor Carruthers is quite full of hooey. Leave it to a cryptozoologist to create a fantastically impossible new species to explain away a handful of anecdotes. It’s probably just another super-race of giant carnivorous rats that the government engineered to distract us from the impending war with the Greys, anyway.

  3. Well GOD,

    Serves you right for creating a world in which English private schools are allowed to thrive. I don’t presume to straighten out your mysterious ways, but I flood and a little rain of fire should sort that right out.

    Wait, wait. Turn the Thames to blood. That’ll get their attention 😉

  4. Wonderful story where a common puppy is turned into a mysterious long hidden creature of myth and legend.

    I have to wonder how many times business men attempt to do the same thing only with motivational speeches. There are only so many ways you can bluntly tell someone to get off their hind-quarters and get back to work. And because we or they are bored by those, companies pay hundreds or thousands of dollars to, “Motivational specialists” to have them drone on for about an hour to say something that an old catholic school teacher could have with 2 seconds and a quick flick of her ruler.

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